A wandering Matsu, I (D9, EE, Expecting)

[Shinjo Akil]

"At least you got the structure right," he smiled and shook his head. "I couldn't get that far!"

[Matsu Kogo]

She laughs. "It is horribly wrong, in fact. 5,7,5 is supposed to be the structure. I am not even sure what that was." She counts the words out. "6,6,4. Doji-san would likely be appalled at me." The smile dims a tinch, but not as much this time.

[Shinjo Akil]

"She might forgive you, though, for being a Matsu," he noted, winking. "Me, however, I suspect she would beat me with my own fan."

[Matsu Kogo]

Kogo's smile falters just for a second, hearing this obvious sign of favor.

You know what it is. Find the space in your mind where pain goes. Do not keep letting it stab you like this.

"She might, it is true. Matsu are not expected to be skilled in the arts, by anyone."

Though we are quite skilled at tolerating pain, most days. She rubs at a spot near the crook of the inside of her elbow, loosely covered in cloth. It seems an unconscious habit.

[Shinjo Akil]

"I, at the least, have few if any expectations," he offered. "Perhaps that is why everything has turned out the way it has..." he frowned, just for a moment, then the smile returned.

[Matsu Kogo]

She notes the frown. "Where do your thoughts turn Akil-san?" She notes the smile, but her voice has a touch of concern. She continues rubbing the spot on her inner elbow. A brief glimpse of puckered skin, scar like, is seen.

[Shinjo Akil]

"I..." he took a breath, "I feel like I keep doing you harm when such is not my intent." He took a breath, "I do not wish to continue doing that."

[Matsu Kogo]

Kogo looks at him, slightly confused. "Intent matters rarely behind pain, Akil-san. Pain...is pain. It is something to be lived through and gotten through. It does not control me or my life." The words have the sense of rote, being repeated, but deeply believed.

"I would advise you on how to cease causing me pain, but truthfully, I am unsure of how one avoids such a thing. To look on you is both exquisite joy and pain. To see you, in all your beauty but to know I will not have you to wed. To know that your heart belongs half to another, but half to myself. It is the truest part of balance."

She smiles at him, rueful but sincere. "I suspect, that love cannot exist without pain. My life has certainly shown this to be true. And so, for the blessings it brings, I accept the pain. It is temporary. It will end. I will not run from all things, just to avoid pain. "

[Shinjo Akil]

He nodded at her words, his hands folding in front of him. "It is... difficult, I agree. I suppose that one only possibly avoids it by avoiding me, but even that seems like it is not a satisfactory answer, neh?"

[Matsu Kogo]

She smiles. "The idea had its merits but I suspect it would not happen. Here we are right now, after all. The Fortunes have their own plans. "She looks at him. "Plus, then, I would not have known what I do now, of your feelings for me. And that would have been its own pain. " She pauses, unsure if she should continue or not.

[Shinjo Akil]

"Would it have?" His head tilted. "Would it not have been easier not knowing?"

[Matsu Kogo]

She considers. "Easier....perhaps. But not better. " she looks st him, eyes intent with fire returning to them.

"Now, I know, regardless of what my duty requires of me in the way of marriage, that someone, somewhere, loves me. Even if I do not find love or joy in my marriage...I will always have that. "

Fear is a sin. So is regret Kogo.

She takes a deep breath. "And I will know that I have loved another. And that what I have cursed so long in myself is its own gift. My soft heart...has a place in the world where it belongs. Where it is cherished. " She looks at him, fearless in this moment, strong and proud.

A true Matsu at heart.

She watches his face. How has so much changed, so fast?

[Shinjo Akil]

He smiled widely at that, perhaps even a bit embarrassed. "I am glad, then, that I can be a source of happiness."

[Matsu Kogo]

She saw the smile and it warmed her heart. "You will never be simple Akil-san. But I suspect I would not be so...intrigued by you if you were." Her thoughts tend a certain direction, but she holds them in check. She puts her hands to her sides and takes a slow breath, still watching his face.

[Shinjo Akil]

"I suppose there should be no complaints about having an appeal, even if it is a somewhat complicated one," he laughed lightly.