Why? (D8, LE, expecting)

[Soshi Taira]

Taira found himself going somewhere he hadn't planned to go.

Still, events had left him disquieted. Without peace or direction.

So he went and he stood by the water and looked at his reflection, white skin, jaw clenched. The fear setting his heart racing and leaving his skin crawling.

The sight of himself was not calming. Why should he expect anyone to be drawn to a gaunt, boring man like him?

Perhaps realizing the absurdity of his own self-loathing, he stepped away, glancing balefully at the water from several paces. It was just... wrong. What had begun so innocently had been stained in blood and darkness, and he wondered what light he was to take from it, when the end came in a few days.

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

Shinjo Liu Yue came to the lake with her faithful hound, Gon. She had been allowed to keep him after the day's competition. The puppy led her there, as if he knew that this meeting was fated.

"Taira-dono," she announced, a few paces away. She bowed to him and continued, "Konbanwa."

Still so formal of me.

She swallowed. "I was wondering where you have been."

[Soshi Taira]

Taira turned, surprised.

"Liu Yue-san."

A moment of tremendous indecision.

"-hime."

Taking a slow breath, he added, "Or would you prefer I stopped with that?"

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

Gon ran up to him and flopped over. He was being surprisingly patient for pets.

Meanwhile, Yue simply frowned. "Nothing has changed, Taira-dono. I still wish to marry you above all others here. I still prefer you call me - hime."

[Soshi Taira]

Taira raised an eyebrow, leaning forward, to rest his hands, white knuckled, against the rim of the crater.

Taking a slow breath, he inquired, gazing at his own reflection, voice betraying little of the tension in his frame.

"Do you? Do you also want to disgrace me by declaring how little you care for me to the entire miai? To make a point that none of us will satisfy you?"

Glancing askance at Yue, he added, "I didn't want to be... I didn't want to realize... but if we married you would always be looking elsewhere. How long until another caught your eye? Till you looked over my shoulder? Till I was a mockery in my own home?"

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

"Watakushi wa," she repeated for a few times. Words were an enigma to her. She shook her head and simply walked up to him to give him a hug. However, even then she faltered. Her arm barely even lifted before she gave up on the attempt. When the tears finally started streaming down her face, Gon let out worried barks. "Watakushi wa honto baka."

[Soshi Taira]

Taira watched, struggling to keep his face impassive.

Kami, it hurt.

His voice shaking slightly, he asked, softly, "Who are you crying for?"

For me? Or for you?

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

"I am crying because I have wounded you!" Yue exclaimed. "Who else would I be crying for?!" she blurted out. She shook her head and repeated the question in Rokugani.

[Soshi Taira]

Taira looked at her, and sighed.

"You could cry because your plans fell apart... you could cry because Benten is cruel and leads us astray?"

A slow breath, and he refused to back away from the water, refused to let himself be defeated by his heart and a hole in the ground.

"I don't understand. You cry for me, yet you sing for her. You tell me you want to be a proper wife, that you want to make things work, and then you publicly declare you have no love for a man, more that you would look askance, and not at the man you marry... I don't understand! What on earth should I expect? What should I think now!?"

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

"I did not want to be insincere." Yue tried to focus on him through her tears. "I told you that I do not harbor such feelings for you. The song was meant to be romantic." She then covered her face with her palm. "I still hold you in high regard, Taira-dono. However, I have not been thinking clearly. The battle has led to events I have not expected." She took a deep breath. "I do not know what to do."

[Soshi Taira]

Taira wanted to go to her. To comfort her.

But he had to be honest with himself. "Yet life is like this. You cannot expect. Would this be our marriage, wounding each other, time and again?"

His fingernail cracked on the stone edge, and he pulled his hands back, swearing under his breath as it began to bleed. Balling his hand into a fist he turned to face Yue.

"I no longer know what to do either... Yue-hime... but I have to question... if perhaps a man like Kaiu-san might be a better match for you after all. The Crab are stoic, unconcerned with appearances."

It hurt to say that.

It hurt so very much.

Yet he no longer knew the right path, and he no longer knew what he could say in good faith. He hated himself, for being hurt so much by what she had done.

It was sickening.

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

Yue shut her eyes to hold back more tears. She did her best to slow her breathing. "Is that what you truly wish, Taira-dono? Are you saying that because you are upset?"

[Soshi Taira]

"I am upset, I admit that."

He took a slow breath.

"And what I wish cannot happen, it seems."

Shaking his head, he managed, "You may wish to at least see how he feels. Perhaps you could be happier, more free... with him as your husband. I do not wish to be an anchor on your heart."

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

"He said the same as you before the song," she explained. She shook her head. "Taira-dono! I told you that I want a partner in this marriage. I wanted someone I can depend on! I told you that I trusted you and I still do. Do you not trust me any longer?" She let out a bitter laugh. "Did I blunder so much?"

[Soshi Taira]

Taria contemplated his answer in silence.

After a long pause, he finally said. "I don't know. When would you begin to take it seriously? When the ceremony ended? After the first child? When will you devote yourself to a single individual? When will you let go of others and try and train your own heart to care... care about the man you would marry?"

Shaking his head, he said, simply, "It isn't that I don't trust you... I would count on you to guard my back in a fight... but I don't know what you intend any longer. I wonder if perhaps we saw different things in the future, after all."