Hard Conversations (Day 7, Early morning, Kogo's Yurt)

[Matsu Kogo]

Kogo holds the fan out, the other one holding her chest, as if she is trying desperately to contain herself. "Why must you be so kind? Can you not rage at me or scream? Can you not be cold or unfair? Why must you be so kind?" Her eyes are shinier, but she is holding to her dignity with everything that is inside of her.

[Shinjo Akil]

He takes the fan and looks at it. "Because I am not being fair. Because I played with your heart without even realizing it," he took a breath, closing his eyes a moment to compose himself. "I cannot rage at you when it is my fault."

[Matsu Kogo]

She lets the fan go, wishing she had the courage to just claim him, like a proper Matsu would have, all these days ago. Matsu-dono would have never allowed this. She would have fought and she would have won. I am such a failure.

"And I cannot rage at you because it is my own fault for not remembering the most important rule of my life: No one has ever loved me more."

[Shinjo Akil]

He took a breath and nodded. "I should leave. Before I have another opportunity to cause you pain."

[Matsu Kogo]

She sees him retreat. "It is done already Akil-san." She pauses. "I am sorry too. I am sorry that I cannot..be what you needed.I am sorry that I am unable to...take this as another would. And I am sorry that I have caused you pain in return." She stands up straighter. "You should repaint the fan. Such poetry is...not fit for the likes of the Crane. But I will be pleased to know that something of me goes with you."

[Shinjo Akil]

"I... I will consider it," he nodded, then bowed. "I wish you the best, truly, Kogo-san." No more apologies. Otherwise it would just become a circle of continuous sorrow. "Until next I am blessed with your presence... Carry the Fortunes, Matsu Kogo."

[Matsu Kogo]

She looks up at him, watching him walk away. "I wish you well as well Akil-san. May Benten bless you. " She looks askance at him. "I suspect, living in Crane lands, this is the last time we shall see each other for a great while Akil-san. But until then....will you do me one small favor?"

[Shinjo Akil]

He stopped as she spoke, not quite stepped out of the tent. "What favor would you ask of me?"

[Matsu Kogo]

She looked up at him, the tears still lingering in her eyes but a new strength coming through. "Stand for just a moment longer. "

She moves towards him, proud and confident, like a stalking lionness in truth. She reaches down, grabbing the fan and flaring it open with one hand to cover their faces as she moves her face close to his. "Tell your Crane bride that she wins your hand, not because I fear her or because I would not fight her for you, but because I do not long to tear you between your duty and your heart. I may have my own difficulties that prevent me from seeing things true at moments. But you have explained yourself and your decision. However..."

She moves swiftly, touching his face with a gentleness none would expect of the Matsu, but kissing him with the fierceness they are known for. She breaks it quickly, not wishing to prolong something his duty may fight against. "Take that fire with you, for I suspect your cold Crane bride will never warm your heart as I did. " She shuts the fan, standing next to him.

[Shinjo Akil]

Akil was going to respond to what she had said first... but her sudden lips on his caught him off guard, both in it's unexpectedness and fierceness. "I..." he managed to get out for a moment, before nodding. "I will, Matsu Kogo. I will never forget the fire you brought, I swear." Impossibly, he offered her a smile, a genuine one.

[Matsu Kogo]

She cannot help laughing, looking at his smile, though a tear does roll down her face. "I never know where I am with you Akil-kun. First in the clouds, then in the dirt, then the clouds again. Perhaps, for all our sakes, it is best it ends this way. " Her eyes ignite. "But there is something inside me that says it would have been a grand adventure."

And at least there is something I have had that she will never touch. His first kiss. That is mine to carry.

[Shinjo Akil]

"It would have been. And I think a part of me will always wonder, Kogo-chan." He reached to her, wiping the tear off her face. "But you have many more grand adventures ahead of you, that I know for certain. Whoever catches your eye next won't know what hit them, I'm certain."

[Matsu Kogo]

She accepts the touch, hiding these memories away with the other ones. I owe some apologies to Monkh-san, for I have not been totally fair to him in this. But I will hopefully have a lifetime to make up for that. "I suspect I will wonder as well." And possibly periodically understand why the Lion clan have been the enemies of the Crane for so long. Matsu-dono, you had it right.

She smiles with a wry cast to it. "But as I said, if you did not snatch me up, others would. And there are others of your clan who have seen the value of me as well." She laughs for a moment. "Your kinsman, Shinjo Monkhbaatar, has a light heart that balances my Lion seriousness. I suspect I could be happy with him. And your kinsman Shinjo Kemuri was kind to a Lion nursing a wound. He took me riding to clear my head and surprised me with his skill at horsemanship."

She shook her head, running her hand through his hair for the last time. "Fear not Akil-kun. I will not leave this miai alone. But I am glad....I am glad we have talked today, painful though it has been. It would have been a hard thing for what we have shared to turn to bitterness. I am grateful for that."

[Shinjo Akil]

He listened, his eyes closing as she described other suitors. He couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't cause him pain or tears, but he spoke anyway, a tear streaming down his cheek. "They are both worthy of your hand. I am certain that you will be very happy with whichever of them is blessed with your hand."

His head leaned into his hair. "Fear is a sin. I was so afraid of this conversation, but..." he swallowed, "I am glad we shared it. And I will be glad to leave this yurt with no bitterness held between you and I."

[Matsu Kogo]

She sees the tear and cannot decide if she glad to have caused it or saddened. She reaches up to wipe it away and kisses him gently on the cheek where it fell.

"No more tears Akil-kun. I will cherish the time we had together for the rest of my life. And you gave me something valuable in return. You have shown me that I am Matsu, through and through, despite what others have said. A soft heart does not mean a weak heart. There can be gentleness and ferocity in the same place, like a vine that climbs a rock face. I will take your words and the love that you have shown me and hold them close. "

she laughs a bit. "I will even endeavor to be vaguely civil to your pretty new bride, though i suspect I will not succeed enough to please the most lenient of senseis. But it is an offer you would get from no other Matsu. Cherish it, because it is for you alone I will attempt it. "