(D5 LM, Taira's Yurt) Benten is a Cruel Mistress

[Soshi Taira]

Taira followed the rambling speech with growing unease, but largely confusion, until the punchline.

For that's what it was.

His On broke, for the first time that she had truly seen it break. His eyes widened, and his jaw clenched, going taut.

A slow breath, and Taira found a tightness in his chest. It was hard to breathe... and one hand rested on his chest, and began to shake.

Kuso. Kuso, Kuso. Kuso!

Of all the women here... he of course would fall for the one who loved other women. The one who would use him. It was just the latest joke heaven wanted to play on him.

He should have known. Benten was a bitch.

Standing, he turned and took a few steps away, leaning against one of the poles supporting the yurt, trying to get a full breath of air into his lungs.

Then he turned, eyes bright and full of fury, and asked, "Was my heart fun for you to crush? I hope you enjoyed it. After all, these sick little jokes always amuse someone. There's always someone having a laugh at Taira's expense, always someone ready to use Taira's stupid helpful heart."

His breathing was shallow, and he couldn't get air, and there was a faint roaring in his ears, a memory of crushing, endless water.

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

"That is wrong!" Yue shouted back. She took a deep breath of her own and reached out to him from her seat, though her palm clearly found nothing. "That is not true," she continued, more gently. "I take no pleasure in this, Taira-dono. I did not mean to cause you pain. There is no joke."

His heart? Oh you have to be kidding me.

How did I even elicit such feelings from this man?

She got to her feet and walked over to him with her hand extended. Each step was off-balance, tentative. Her face betrayed the sorrow that she felt. "Taira-dono, I am so stupid." Her hand went for the one over his heart. "I did not know I was so blind. I was cruel to not notice your affections."

[Soshi Taira]

He recoiled from her touch, his face a mixture of anger and pain, though it didn't seem it was all directed at her. He could barely hear her, the pounding in his head was so great, and the air just wouldn't come.

A rattling breath, and he gasped, clenching his shaking hands. He managed to bring gaze to her, to drown out the roaring memories that washed over him, the same tricks, the same hope and disappointment, the same good intentions and road leading... well...

"I'm sure... you didn't... think it was a joke..."

He laughed, a strangled chuckle, devoid of humor. "Nobody does. But what is my life but a joke, one running gag for the amusement of the fortunes? Why else would I have met and fallen for you, of all the women here!? The one woman who would find my touch repulsive! The one woman who could not return my love, who would be wounded by it!?"

His face split in a smile, and it was not a happy one. "Don't you see? All the good things in my life are thorns, I learned medicine when I was no good at anything else, and it opened a door to the magistrates... and then I was posted to the dockyards. I was born to a good Soshi family, so the damn kami won't even speak to me! I was given a chance to study with the Bayushi, and I stumbled upon the library by accident, and I stumbled across a tryst that ruined the marriage of a prominent governor... so of course I was shipped to the bushi... My entire life is mistakes and bad jokes!"

He gripped at his chest, trying to claw out the emotion that was running wild. "The cat acted like it was drowning so I would jump in after it, and then it swam back and WATCHED." The memory was choking him, he could feel the river pulling him under. The water reaching into him, choking his life away. It followed him wherever he went, making a mockery of everything he tried to do.

"I just wanted one thing... one thing to go right. How could I have been so naive..."

He slipped back, until he struck the pole, and then slid down it, gasping quietly for air, trying to dispel his shock, his memories, his disillusionment.

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

She took her hand back as soon as he rejected it. She watched him move from despair, to bitter amusement, his anger. It was a torture that she had inflicted upon him. "That is not true, Taira-dono. I do not find your touch repulsive." She swallowed. "It would not hurt me if we," she trailed off and lowered her eyes. "I would do my best."

The whole tide of memories from him caught her off-guard. She had no words for his lack of priesthood, his posting as a yoriki, some mix-up with the Bayushi that she did not understand, some story about a cat that she was unsure if it was just a metaphor or an actual event.

What can I do? I didn't expect this to hurt him.

By the Kami, I don't know what to do in a situation like this.

Yue lowered herself and searched for his eyes. Her own were whirlpools of guilt and confusion. "What can I do to help you, Taira-dono? I have wounded you with my carelessness. I want to correct that."

[Soshi Taira]

Taira laughed, dryly.

"Hell if I know."

Brushing his hair back out of his eyes, he asked, very softly. "You could never love me. That is what you say?"

Coughing, he muttered, "Damnable memories... I'm not even near water."

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

"I could love you," she corrected him. Yue reached for a hand again, this time more firm in her approach. "However, it would not be in the way a wife should." She smiled weakly. "I love my sister," she stated as a means of comparison.

She perked her brow. "Water, Taira-dono?"

[Soshi Taira]

And that was what he feared.

"I could never... make you happy. Never satisfy you. You would always be longing for another."

His voice was perhaps now as defeated as she had heard him. The storms of his emotions carrying him up and down in a waves which were beyond him to control so easily.

"Oh... hell... water. When I can't breath I remember... I remember my youth, like a damn fool. Just because I near-drowned doesn't excuse me. I guess you may as well know what a coward I am, that I'm scared of ponds."

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

Yue caressed the hand she had taken. "I would be happy with a dedicated and talented husband. I would be satisfied to have a prosperous marriage as dictated by my Duty." She shifted her eyes away for the next part. "However, you are correct. A woman may earn my affections in the future if I were wed to you. I would stay faithful to you. I am not beholden to Desire."

What about last night? She shook the thought out of her head.

The cat in the water, his discomfort with water. It all summed up in her head. "Sou desu ka." She was unsure of what more to say initially. To coddle him would go against her own beliefs. But his pain, his suffering, beckoned her to treat him gently. "There are times I am afraid of fire. There are times I am afraid of magic," she admitted. She wanted to say more but she did not want to belittle his phobia.

[Soshi Taira]

Taira snorted. "No need to be kind about it. I know it is pathetic. A yoriki working the docks who can't stop his hands shaking when he has to go down by the river."

He buried his head in his hands, staring at the floor.

"I... I don't know, Yue... I don't know what to think. I can't imagine... Your kinsman Moto Butaj is a handsome and cheerful man, but the idea of touching like that... how could I do THAT to you!? I cannot know if I could live... like that. I wouldn't want to wonder... I wouldn't want you to desire forever something you would never have..."

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

Her hand went to stroke his hair. It was the only comfort she could think of. Maybe one day I can help him with his fear of water. But no, that'll have to come later.

"Taira-dono, I do not have any choice. I will be married to a man. It will happen at this miai or in the future. I may long for another woman but there is no path that will lead me to her." She tried to get him to look up at her but she was never forceful. "However, I do have a choice. I can choose the man I want to marry."

[Soshi Taira]

Taira didn't fight her hand, as it lifted his face to look at hers, and his eyes showed a sort of hollow misery.

"You could choose a man who would let you take who you pleased. Who didn't care."

That was what the Scorpion he knew of did, though he didn't understand it himself.

With a fatalistic laugh, he added, "I can't begin to imagine it... but they do..."

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

"I do not want that, Taira-dono. I want to remain faithful to my husband." She gave a soft sigh. "I imagine such a man would not care for my well-being. It would be a political marriage and nothing more. I want a productive marriage." The Shinjo let out a small giggle. "This miai offers everyone present the chance to find the best suitor."

[Soshi Taira]

And Taira sighed... and whispered. "Well, you've seen me now. Perhaps now that you know I'm not all you thought, you might feel differently."

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he added, very quietly. "I don't... I don't know what I think, Yue-san... I don't know... how I feel. I cannot... it's just a bit much. I cannot answer you, because I simply don't know."

[Shinjo Liu Yue]

"We fought alongside each other," Yue retorted. She let that statement sit by itself.

She closed her eyes to hide her disappointment. "I understand, Taira-dono. I have given you a heavy burden."

[Soshi Taira]

He gazed at her, and there was a wistful longing in his eyes. "You're sure that... nothing I could do could to win you over, even a little?"

Then he shook his head, rubbing at his eyes, and said, in a steadier voice. "Well... that's enough of from me... I've made enough of a mess of myself. I... don't discount you as a possible match... I just... I just need some time to think. I must do my duty, and find the best match I can, but I also... would wish you be happy, and it is not like you are not a good match..."

I also, would like to be happy, though I no longer know what that is.

"Why... did you not tell me sooner? Why let me think... we shared..."